Book Reviews by Elizabeth A. White

“I’d like to let you two die together, but I’m not a fan of romantic endings. This isn’t tragedy. This is horror.” – Stephen

Author Jeff Strand is best known for his comedy infused horror, such as the Andrew Mayhem series, The Severed Nose, and Benjamin’s Parasite just to name a few. And though I do love me some seriously irreverent Strand, I also admit that my two favorite Strand books to date, Pressure and Dweller, are the ones in which he included the least amount of humor, instead focusing on character development and building tension.

Strand’s newest release, the novella Faint of Heart, is nothing but wall-to-wall tension. Rebecca Harpster isn’t wild about the idea of spending a weekend alone at a cabin in Alaska, but she also isn’t selfish enough to stop her husband, Gary, from going on a camping trip with his two best friends. And though she’s still adjusting to their new life in Alaska, Rebecca knows the house is safe and that Gary’s the one more likely to have an unpleasant weekend camping outside in temperatures hovering around the freezing mark.

As the weekend passes with no word from Gary, however, Rebecca becomes increasingly concerned something awful has happened. Her worst nightmare seems to have come true when a State Trooper shows up on the doorstep late Sunday evening with news there’s been a dire accident. Despite her panic, Rebecca is aware enough to realize there is something off about the Trooper. Instead of letting him in, she demands his name and badge number, intending to call and confirm his identity. And that’s when her nightmare really begins. (more…)

Frequent visitor – hell, he has his own archive section! – Jeff Strand is back. This time he wants to talk a little about his new novella, Faint of Heart, which I’ll be reviewing tomorrow, as well as share his thoughts on the different types of reviews authors get. Please, don’t make him cry.

The digital edition of my new novella, Faint of Heart, is now available. Some early readers, including Ms. Elizabeth A. White, think it’s one of my best books. I’m hoping the rest of the world will like it, too, but whenever you publish a book, some people are going to think it suuuuuucks!

I’m okay with bad reviews. I mean, I feel kinda sick to my stomach when I read them, but it’s part of the business. A book that gets nothing but glowing reviews is a book that has only found a very small audience. If you check Rotten Tomatoes, some people didn’t even like The Muppets. How can anybody be so dead inside that they didn’t like The Muppets?

As a rule, one of the dumbest things you can do as an author is respond defensively to negative reviews. You look like a whiny jerk. Especially the “Let’s see YOU write a book!” response. You don’t need to be a published novelist to have an informed opinion about books any more than I need to know how to properly slaughter a cow to say that the beef shish kabobs I had this weekend were total garbage.

That said, here are some reviews that annoy me… (more…)

Murder is only murder when it robs the world of innocence. – Edward Pritchard Caine

To say Ed Caine has some interesting views on life, and death, is putting it mildly. He could be forgiven though, given the tragedy he has endured. His wife, Jill, was one of the nine victims of the Solemn Stalker serial killer. That Ed was inside watching game shows when she was murdered just across the street while gardening only adds to the crushing intensity of his loss.

Perhaps not unexpectedly, Ed spirals down into a deep depression. He quits his job, rarely leaves the house, and retreats into his own head, obsessing over Jill’s murder. Over time, and with tremendous effort, he slowly pulls himself out of his dark hole, moves to another town, and begins a new relationship.

Just when things seem to be resuming some semblance of normalcy, while on a camping trip Ed again loses the woman he loves. Except this time he is responsible through more than just negligence. Ed is the instrument of her death, and not only does he not feel guilt this time, he feels it was his duty. Ed, you see, has discovered he is a One Percenter. (more…)

‘Neat’ wasn’t the word Benjamin was looking for. Might as well call the ocean ‘wet’ or a tornado ‘windy.’ Still, he nodded, because he had no other words to describe that which was all around him. – “The Auction”

Feeling a little post-holiday blues? Housebound by the Snowpocalypse? Well I’ve got something to occupy your time and cheer you up: Irregular Creatures, the new short story collection from mad genius penmonkey Chuck Wendig.

Except, a little like Benjamin in “The Auction,” I may not quite be able to sufficiently put into words how incredibly amazing the stories in this collection are.

Anyone familiar with Chuck’s always inspired, take-no-prisoners style of blogging over at TerribleMinds already knows how talented of a writer he is. I’ll do my best to convey the sheer awesomeness that is Irregular Creatures, but it’s really something you should do yourself a favor and experience firsthand. Here we go…

“Dog-Man and Cat-Bird (A Flying Cat Story)” – Seems kind of odd to call a short story epic, but this one certainly is. Joe, a struggling sculptor, gets more than a bad night’s sleep when he’s banished to the sofa one night after an argument with his wife. An injured cat shows up at the back door and, when Joe tries to shoo it away, promptly dies. Or so Joe thought: I came back to the garage, only to find that the cat had sprouted wings. This was not a possibility I had considered, nor was it a possibility I accepted upon its discovery. And yet not only does he come to accept it, but when he discovers his son is a pawn in a battle between good and evil Joe realizes that Cat-Bird is much more than a genetic freak. This is my favorite story in the collection, and it’s worth the price of admission for this one alone.

“A Radioactive Monkey” – A cautionary tale about the dangers of drinking strange concoctions, especially if done to impress a beautiful woman you barely know. This one would be right at home as a Tales From the Crypt episode.

“Product Placement”- You wouldn’t think a candy bar could have inter-dimensional ramifications, but buying a “Flix Bar” is exactly the thing that starts Donnie’s trip into a bizarre world where product placement takes on a whole new meaning. Oh, and you’ll never look a 9-volt battery quite the same way again.

“This Guy” – “Every day, I catch him before he makes it to the China Skillet… I drag him into the alleyway, and I beat him with a tire iron. Sometimes, I stab him with a kitchen knife. I do this every day. I think it’s starting to affect me.” A peek into a man’s descent into insanity, this one can be described as Groundhog Day gone murderously, insanely awry.

“Mister Muh’s Pussy Show” – “God didn’t live here. Wouldn’t even show his face lest the sin burn out his eyes.” A gaijin in Bangkok gets much more than he bargains for when he pursues a mysterious beautiful woman after seeing her perform at a sex show. Vegas may be known as “Sin City,” but it’s got nothing on Wendig’s Bangkok. [Warning: Definitely the one story of the bunch not to read if you've got any issues with profanity and/or graphic descriptions of sex.] (more…)

I certainly hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday, and that you’ve also enjoyed Jeff Strand Week. Personally, I’m very thankful that Jeff found a balance to his meds that lasted long enough for him to write this guest blog. Enjoy!

So one day Michael McBride, Brian Knight, and I decided to write a book.

I’ve known both of them for several years, though the only time all three of us crossed paths in real life was the 2007 World Horror Convention, where most of our conversation consisted of variations on “Ha ha! You don’t have a book deal with a major New York publisher! You must suck!”

(The reason we could say this and have it be delightfully amusing was that none of us had a book deal with a major New York publisher. It’s the same principle that allows me to say “Ha ha! You didn’t win the Bram Stoker Award! You must suuuuck!”)

(Of course, I later published Pressure and Dweller with Leisure Books, forcing me to retire the joke. But then Leisure canceled its mass market paperback line shortly before Wolf Hunt could be published–actually, it was scheduled for THIS VERY WEEK if you’re reading this the day Elizabeth posts it, so the pain is still piping hot–and I pulled the book. So I’m not quite sure if I can make fun of people who don’t have New York publishing deals or not. Maybe I’m only allowed to make fun of other Leisure authors. I’ll have to research this.) (more…)

There were plenty of “bad boy” celebrities, but they had some leeway from audiences in that they were usually physically attractive and had never been dead.

Stanley Dabernath was not exactly what one would call a success in life: thirty-five years old, sixty thousand dollars in debt (his Demented Whackos Video business having never really taken off), recently evicted from his apartment, subsisting on a diet of Ramen noodles (stolen, at that), and reduced to swiping alcohol from his parents to use at meetings with his few remaining potential business partners.

And so a cynic might argue that Stanley’s death (more spectacular than anything he ever accomplished in life – drowning in milk in a freak accident) was not really much of a loss to the world. Ah, but his death ironically gave him a second chance at life. Literally. Project Second Chance “rescued” Stanley from the morgue and, well, brought him back to life. On live TV (to record ratings).

Suddenly an international phenomenon dubbed “The Amazing Mr. Corpse” by the press, Stanley finally has the fortune and fame he always craved. Except, you know, he’s a semi-rotted, kinda smelly zombie. Nevertheless, determined to make the most of it Stanley rides the wave of talk show appearances, rap video cameos, beer commercials, product endorsements (t-shirts, candy, action figures), and personal appearances that come rocketing his way. A zombie living the high life.

You’d think at this point the weird factor couldn’t get ratcheted up much further, but only if you’ve never read a Jeff Strand book. Because it does. A lot. Throw some religious fanatics, a kidnapping and ransom, superhero-esque crime fighting, black magic, the blood of virgins, cannibalism (though is it really cannibalism if one of the parties isn’t technically human?), and a good old fashioned riot into the mix and now we’re really rocking! In fact, it doesn’t just rock, it’s downright sinister.

If you asked me what my favorite Jeff Strand novel was, the one I’d want with me on a deserted island, well… I’d cheat and take two: Dweller and Pressure. But for pure, unadulterated, foul-mouthed, off-the-wall Strand at his horror-humor sarcastic best there is nothing that comes close to The Sinister Mr. Corpse. And so, on this Thanksgiving Day I most definitely give thanks for the writing of Jeff Strand.

Note: The Sinister Mr. Corpse was published in 2007 as a limited edition hardcover with a print run of less than 300 copies and quickly sold out. Since then the only way to find a copy has been to troll eBay in hopes that some fool would put theirs up for sale. But despair not! Jeff has indicated that he intends to make an e-book version of The Sinister Mr. Corpse available at some point after the first of the year.

Coming tomorrow: A guest blog from the demented Mr. Strand himself to wrap-up Jeff Strand Week.

“As he drove to work, it occurred to him that he should have taken the dog for a walk before he left. Oh well. It was far from the first mess he’d have to clean up in that basement.” – Charlie Stanlon

Forty-two years old, painfully shy, single, stuck working a dead-end cubicle job, Charlie Stanlon lives a pretty boring life as far as the world around him is concerned. Which is the way Charlie likes it.

What his coworkers don’t know is that when they head out for drinks after work, Charlie heads out to find his next victim. Charlie is a serial killer.

There’s an invariable pattern to his life that Charlie sticks with, a set of rules he lives by to keep himself from getting caught, and that strict discipline allows him to conduct regular hunts for victims and satisfy his urges while also keeping him under control and out of prison.

But a funny thing happens on a hunt one night. He finds an injured dog and, against his better judgment, takes it home. From that point forward Charlie’s life begins to change in ways he couldn’t previously have imagined possible.

Kutter represents a bit of a change of pace for Strand. Whereas his usual m.o. is to take a seriously twisted situation and find ways to make it funny, in Kutter Strand takes a seemingly goofy premise – despicable serial killer adopts adorable little doggie – and proceeds to explore with stark realism and minimal humor the way that scenario would most likely really turn out.

Though Strand’s outstanding novel Dweller also has minimal humor and deals with such serious topics as the complicated nature of relationships and loyalties, it can’t be taken too seriously given one of the principal characters in the story is a monster. There is no such reality break in Kutter. Stanlon is an unapologetically reprehensible killer, and while his interaction with Kutter (what he names the dog) does change him, it’s not in a warm-fuzzy, movie-of-the-week, feel good kind of way.

For my money, Kutter is easily the most perfect blending of dark (really dark) humor, horror, and psychological suspense that Strand has produced to date (Pressure runs a damn close second). To that end, Strand also thinks that Kutter is “the work of mine that comes the closest to achieving what I set out to accomplish when I started writing.”

Previously only available as a limited edition hardcover, Kutter has recently been combined in one trade paperback edition with Michael McBride’s novella Remains (On May 21st, 2008, seven graduate students in Religious Studies set out from the University of Colorado in search of God. Armed with only their faith and the scriptures, they traveled to the western slope of the Rocky Mountains. None of them were ever heard from again.). This new edition, titled The Mad and the Macabre, is available from Dark Regions Press.

Coming tomorrow: A review of The Sinister Mr. Corpse.

Welcome to the continuing celebration of Jeff Strand Week. Though best known for his blending of horror and humor, Strand has written a few straight-up comedy works, such as How to Rescue a Dead Princess. (A sequel to which, How to Avenge a Squished Jester, never really got off the ground.) It’s a funny read, well worth checking out. But I can’t review everything, so I’ve chosen to review Strand’s other pure comedy works, Out of Whack and Elrod McBugle on the Loose, and to also give you an overview of the Andrew Mayhem series, the books that started Strand down the horror-humor road.

“It should be pointed out that real life-panties don’t quite tear the way they do in the movies. ” – Seth Trexler

Out of Whack is the fictional autobiography of Seth Trexler, an aspiring horror writer turned comic, romantically challenged, big-hearted goofball. Along with Travis Darrow, his best friend since age 10, we follow Seth as he progresses through high school and into college. Along the way Seth gets drunk for the first time (which leads to meeting the woman of his dreams in a less than smooth manner), loses his virginity in hilarious fashion (see the quote that starts this review), and pursues a career in sketch comedy (despite having a paralyzing fear of public speaking).

Throughout it all Seth and his companions display the irreverent, self-depreciating humor for which Strand’s characters have come to be known, and the plot strikes the perfect balance between Animal House style madness and sneakily subtle self-reflection on serious topics such as love, friendship, and having the courage to follow your dreams.

And in one of the touches that are hallmarks of Strand’s books, the presentation of the book itself is a bit, well, wacky. The table of contents includes “chapter” listings such as: The first twenty pages (1-20), The next twenty pages (21-40), Perfect bowling score (300), Amount in my bank account ($1.57), and Page one-hundred-and-sixteen (243). Out of Whack also comes complete with a faux, ready-made book report provided by the fictional Seth for any students who may have purchased his book to use for that purpose, as well as an “Out of Whack Activity Page” (Because I care so much about you, the reader, I hereby give you this mostly-blank page to use for whatever you want. Enjoy!) conveniently located between chapters twenty-nine and thirty.

Out of Whack is a coming of age story as only Jeff Strand could tell one.

“I don’t try to cause turmoil and wreak havoc and produce mayhem and blow things up. It just happens.” – Elrod McBugle

When he manages to get sent to the principal’s office in his very first hour of junior high it’s abundantly clear that Elrod McBugle has a unique talent for getting into trouble. Be it selling the results of a science experiment gone awry to his classmates as bubblegum (with hilariously disastrous consequences), starting a riot at the school talent show (Elrod + teacher + kiss = mayhem), enlisting the Assistant Principal in the cover-up of the faux kidnapping of Elrod’s teddy bear (long story), or setting out to prove his math teacher is an axe murderer (well, there is an axe involved), there’s no denying that Elrod’s first year of junior high is one for the ages.

As with Out of Whack, Elrod McBugle on the Loose has a unique presentation. Each chapter ends in a goofy 3 question quiz based (more or less) on the events of the preceding chapter because, as Elord puts it, “I figure if I had to be tested on this stuff as I lived it, you might as well be tested on it as you read it. It’s only fair.”

Though technically a young adult novel, Elrod’s painfully accurate takes on those awkward first steps into the “next level” of education will have adults nodding their heads in wry remembrance. From start to finish – and all quizzes in between – Elrod McBugle on the Loose is a literally laugh-out-loud funny trip back to junior high.

“Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you just know it’s going to be the kind of day where you end up tied to a chair in a filthy garage while a pair of tooth-deprived lunatics torment you with a chainsaw.” – Andrew Mayhem

Unfortunately for him, that quote describes a not atypical day in the life of the aptly named Andrew Mayhem. Andrew’s biggest problem is that he’s not half as smart as he is a smart-ass. Add that to poor impulse control and a profound lack of appreciation for long term consequences and you have a character prime for some serious misadventures.

When we first meet Andrew in Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), his misadventure takes the form of Andrew and best friend Roger agreeing to dig up a grave to retrieve a key the deceased was inadvertently buried with. Or so the beautiful, mysterious woman who offers them big money for the job claims. Let’s just say that while there is a body in the grave, not only is it not quite dead, it’s armed and highly pissed off. And that’s the high point of the book for Andrew, who ends up investigating a duo of murderous hand puppets who make snuff films (I assure you it really does make sense), playing a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with the killer, and having his children kidnapped by the killer as a setup for their final showdown.

Andrew’s further misadventures continue in Single White Psychopath Seeks Same (where Andrew ends up being forced to pose as a serial killer in order to infiltrate a group of people playing Saw-esque games with their victims at a remote murder-lodge in Alaska), and Casket for Sale (Only Used Once) (in which a Mayhem family camping trip goes horribly awry, complete with a mad scientist conducting hideous experiments at his hideout deep in the woods).

Make no mistake about it, though they contain a heaping helping of Strand’s signature dark humor the Andrew Mayhem series is also most definitely horror. People get tortured and killed in horrible ways, and on more than one occasion Andrew is placed in the position of having to make some truly disturbing choices. It’s a testament to Strand’s ability as a writer that he’s able to present seriously stomach turning gross outs while still maintaining a strong thread of dark humor.

Coming Tomorrow: A review of Kutter.

“No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand’s perfect mixture of comedy and terror.” – Cemetery Dance Magazine

Combining horror and comedy in such a way that neither overpowers the other is a delicate operation, but it’s something author Jeff Strand has demonstrated time and again he is a master of doing with surgical precision.

Of course, it helps that the man is seriously demented. Really, how else can you describe someone who has written books with titles such as Socially Awkward Moments with an Aspiring Lunatic, Casket for Sale (Only Used Once), How to Rescue a Dead Princess, and Werewolf Porno (yes, you read that right)?

Well, actually you can also describe him as extremely talented (he’s a two time Bram Stoker Award nominee – he keeps losing to some dude named Stephen King) and criminally unknown to mainstream audiences. Which is why I’ve chosen to give thanks that I am in the know about Strand’s work and to spread the word about his writing by making this Jeff Strand Week here on Musings of an All Purpose Monkey.

Jeff didn’t always want to be a writer. Initially he wanted to be a cartoonist, and spent the early part of his youth “drawing Spider-Man comics, violating copyright law left and right without a smidgen of guilt.” Eventually, however, the realization that he couldn’t actually draw very well settled in and he turned his attention to writing. (more…)

As he grew older and honed his talents, he came to realize that he was the thing people feared – he was the monster in the dark. – Ray McDaniel

Are you ready for a Halloween treat? I hope so, because author Chris F. Holm sure has some goodies ready for your reading pleasure. In 8 Pounds: Eight Tales of Crime, Horror, & Suspense Holm serves up eight wonderfully entertaining short stories that will have you up late into the night reading, and leave you hungry for more. Though every story in the collection is a home run, there were a few standouts for me.

“Seven Days of Rain” starts the collection off, and right away you know you’re in for something special: “There’s men’s plans and then there’s God’s plans, and it looks for damn sure like God don’t think much of mine.” So thinks Eddie Hanscombe, a man whose plan 60 years ago was to bury something, literally and figuratively, and be done with it. During a biblical seven day rain, however, Eddie comes to understand nothing about the past is ever really buried, and that God always has the last laugh.

“The World Behind” also deals with the past. Timothy Hewitt was a shy, fearful kid in the summer of 1986, one who let his fear drive him down a path that forever changed his life. He took to hiding in the woods that summer to avoid a bully that had it in for him and, as the adult Timothy reflects, it was in those woods he discovered who he really was… as well as what had been happening to all the animals that were disappearing from homes around town. “The World Behind” is a wonderful coming of age story, albeit with a slightly ominous undertone.

“The Toll Collectors” is probably my favorite story in the collection, though saying that is a bit like picking a “favorite” child. A marvelously atmospheric horror story, “The Toll Collectors” finds professional thug-for-hire Ray McDaniel traveling a dark, lonely stretch of interstate on his way home after a particularly nasty job. I don’t want to ruin the story, so suffice it to say that before the night is over Ray ends up not so alone and owing a toll that can’t be paid with money.

Other stories include “A Better Life” (a seemingly innocuous tale of man vs. mouse that will level you with a gut-punch of an ending), “A Simple Kindness” (proving that no good deed goes unpunished), “The Well” (shortest of the bunch, and the one most likely to make your jaw drop and skin crawl), “Eight Pounds” (the title story, which finds two bar buddies discussing the weight, and worth, of a human head… but to what end?), and “The Big Score” (in which a New England lobsterman catches more than he bargained for).

Holm has put together in 8 Pounds a tight, gripping collection of stories that flow seamlessly from one to the next even though each definitely has its own distinct feel and flavor. You get a little bit of horror, a little bit of crime fiction, a little bit of suspense, and a whole lot of top-notch storytelling.

But you know the best thing about 8 Pounds? It can be yours for only $0.99! You’ve got more than that in your sofa cushions or tossed in your car’s ashtray. So what are you waiting for? Put some of that change that’s just lying around to work and treat yourself to eight kickass stories. Not only will you be thoroughly entertained, but in the (near) future when he’s insanely famous you’ll be able to gloat by saying you knew about Chris F. Holm back in the day.

8 Pounds is available on Kindle for only $0.99